BDSM, Polyamory and Hooking Up
My good friend Lucius Scribbens wrote a piece that made me think.
I’ve always been fascinated by the concept of Polyamory, but never really desired to be a participant. I enjoy my relationships when they’re simple and relatively uncluttered (3rd relationships…Primary Relationships (and their expectations) are handled differently).
In BDSM, Poly relationships seem to be extremely common while Open relationships do not.
In Swinging it’s the opposite. Although there seems to be a heavy Poly component rising in the last few years.
In the Vanilla world? Well…there’s an HBO romance with Polyamory, Swinging and BDSM. People are fascinated by alternative lifestyles (I think they secretly fantasize about such things) while the lip service provided is usually negative.
DE and I don’t do much “Swinging” any more…we’ve gotten a bit tired of that game. Our relationship is Open and we’ve even talked about the two of us and a Poly third (or fourth…etc.) The conversation kind of turned towards this:
We love many of our friends – especially the friends we have sex with and/or beat for fun. But does that make us Polyamorous? No, not really.
4-play
Since DE has a particular desire towards women pretty much all of our Solo/Single play partners are female (although DE will hook up with an occasional male). It’s likely that we’d bring a woman into our relationship as a Third/sub/slave/pet. I know (from experience) that it’s far more difficult for a woman to feel secure and comfortable in a relationship as a Third. Scribbens is right, you often hear them voice concern over getting too attached and never really “getting anywhere”.
Is this why We haven’t sought or taken in a Poly lover? Do we passively avoid this out of a desire to keep our own relationship simplified and “drama-free”?
Yes and Yes. There are a few people DE and I have had the Poly discussion about, and we could probably build something to fit if we decided to go there — but we’re not in a hurry.
It’s far more likely we’d take a sub/slave/pet and keep the relationship in that realm. I can see an arrangement like that morphing into a Polyamorous triad, and that’s likely why it’s so common in the BDSM Lifestyle.
Who knows. I’m one of the LAST people you’d ever want “Relationship Advice” from…heheh.
-Tutivillus
The Knight and I have no desire to have any sort of poly relationship. We too like our relationship uncomplicated and drama free. Real life is hard enough for the two of us!
However, I adore women. He knows this and has been encouraging me to find others to play with. Not for the three of us to play, and not just play but someone for me to have a relationship with…kind of a wife.
I don't know how that would work but he's the boss. I just do as I'm told.
I think you've nailed it for most people…uncomplicated.
I enjoy threesomes, but only if everyone is on the same
wavelength…otherwise they're a pain in the ass. However, I don't believe
all Poly relationships are about sex (it's a component of the whole). Your
Knight seems to understand this.
I'd be interested in what turns out for you!
(Thanks for visiting and for the comment!)
(Tutivillus)
http://www.dungeonplace.com
http://www.fetlife.com/users/16944
http://www.friendfeed.com/rooms/tutivillus-grift
http://www.myspace.com/dangerousthought
http://www.twitter.com/tutivillus
Any relationship is complicated and then adding a third or fourth person can only magnify any problems the core couple may have. I love women–and would enjoy finding a female I can have loving relationship with. Those few females I have spoken with who are poly have expressed frustration at being the 'third' person. I don't know if this works better if there are two couples involved. At this point in my life, I prefer to stay away from the poly lifestyle.
I have a Love/Hate relationship with it. Adding it to a structured 24/7 D/s relationship makes it more complicated than you can imagine. There are times when it works really well for everyone involved and there are times when it is the source of all things miserable.
We just keep working at it……
I am sure communication and continued evaluation in order to move forward is a must otherwise it can't work for all involved.
I have a Love/Hate relationship with it. Adding it to a structured 24/7 D/s relationship makes it more complicated than you can imagine. There are times when it works really well for everyone involved and there are times when it is the source of all things miserable.
We just keep working at it……
I am sure communication and continued evaluation in order to move forward is a must otherwise it can't work for all involved.