National Leather Association Domestic Violence Project: http://www.nlaidvproject.us/ The vision of the NLA-I Domestic Violence Project is to create a national and international network to provide information, appropriate referrals, resources, and safe shelters for those in the world community who have beensubjected to abusive and violent BDSM relationships and who are seeking a way out of those relationships or who require a more extensive support network than is otherwise available to them.
I asked this question on FriendFeed yesterday and got a fairly typical response. It was simply a response from a fairly “vanilla” audience. So I ask a more “Kink-centric” audience the question.
When do you consider a relationship “Open”?
Is it the act of letting go of your partner while they play in a Scene with another?
Is it you or your partner participating in the various acts of sex in all it’s various and wonderful forms with another?
I’m not talking about Polyamory. I’m addressing the concept of Open relationships. Engaging in Play (provide your own definition of that word) without the additional attachment you find in Poly situations.
“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.” ~Carl Jung
There was a recent comment made on one my posts titled “TANSTAFL”. I was discussing the vagaries of sub-drop with some suggestions to combat the condition. Someone suggested that what I was describing sounded like addiction. They then proceeded to voice their opinion that BDSM was not a sexual preference, but a harmful addiction comparable to drug addiction. Now as a recovering alcoholic with over 22 years of continuous sobriety, I know a little bit about addiction and thus have a very strong opinion on this topic.
Addiction is a very personal thing and as individual as the person themselves. As AA has demonstrated over their long history there are true commonalities between addicts that define an addict as such. However, addiction is very much determined by the individuals inner subjective experience. Addiction can be defined as: “continued (compulsive) use despite adverse consequences.” What seperates a person who is alcoholic from those who are not? It is the ability to imbibe without those compulsive adverse consequences. It is not how, when or how much they drink but the loss of control when they do. It would be ludicrous to label everyone who drinks as being alcoholic. Only the individual can determine what determines adverse consequences, the lack of control and thus whether or not they are addicted. The object of the addiction in not the culprit in the addiction. It is not the shopping malls fault that the shopaholic maxes out their credit cards. The breweries and the wineries are not culpable in my inablity to drink responsibly. The blame for addiction lies within the heart and soul of the addict, not in the object of the addict’s obsession.
Healthy sex will arise out of a healthy mind. A person who is relatively free from compulsion, who identifies with the needs and wants of others will subsequently have a healthy sex life. A healthy sex life does not necessarily equate to straight hetero vanilla sex. A healthy sex life will be as unique as each individual. BDSM is a sexual preference as well as a sexual expression. When BDSM is practiced between two consenting, consensual adults it cannot only be healthy but one of the most intimate sexual experiences possible. I find for myself that the power exchange whether coupled with pain or not heightens the intimacy as well as the sexual experience. The BDSM community has often been applauded among sex therapists not only for the sexually intelligent practices within this community but also for the tremendous communication skills and the use of BDSM “scenes” for psychological healing. These practices cannot help but promote healthy sex, as wel as healthy relationships .
In recent years, there has been greater education amoung sex therapists. Most realize that BDSM and fetish practices are a normal expressions of sexuality. The DSM-IV (Diagnositic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) no longer lists BDSM as a disorder or illness. In 1995, Denmark completely removed sadomasochism from its national classification of diseases. The vast majority of researchers assume that 5 to 25 percent of the population enjoys some form of pain, dominance or submission. They believe that the percentage who indulge in fantasies of BDSM to be even higher.
It is very clear to me not only from a personal level but also on an intellectual level that BDSM is not an addiction but a sexual preference. To equate BDSM to addiction or to label it “evil” is about as enlightened as those who classify homosexuality as “evil” and addicting. It my humble opinion that the moral upright, the sexually rigid and religious fanatical focus on their own bedrooms and stay the hell out of mine.
I had my first session with my ponyboy… it went so well I even attached a video for your enjoyment. (Yes I am trying to be funny…)
This video represents how intense it made me feel.
Who says that having sex with your pony boy equates to bestiality? If you ask me… they are full of it. However, should I be concerned that he is hung like a horse?
I had to discipline him this evening. It was quite empowering to be in my 6″ heels, wielding my crop, and holding the reigns attached to his head piece harness. I think I did a good job… either that or I should look into some salt peter.
I need a name for my pony… any suggestions?
I finished the evening by fitting a CB3000 and attaching my padlock. Got to train him to be a good pony. Enjoy the video, it is pretty funny, and plus hearing Joan Collins say fuck is priceless.
More to come, we must get crackin… we have a fetish event coming up… and I would love to bring my pony with me!
Meow!
I had my first session with my ponyboy… it went so well I even attached a video for your enjoyment. … yes I am trying to be funny… this video represents how intense it was. But who says that having sex with your pony boy equates to beastiality? If you ask me… they are full of it. However, should I be concerned that he is hung like a horse?I had to discipline him this evening. It was quite empowering to be in my 6″ heels, weilding my crop, and holding the reigns in his harness. It really turned me on… I think I did a good job… either that or I should look into some salt peter.
As summer heat builds it’s time to get back to the foundations of training my wife to be my submissive.
We met as Kinks. We fucked as Kinks. We’ve built a life as Kinks. Until this year, we did not live this life 24/7. We carefully segregated our time.
We still do. Our family life is key, so we’ve carefully devised a plan to blend our Kink into the daily life of time as a family. It’s subterranean around the children, they see nothing. We expose them to nothing.
Yet, it’s there. And we are conducting the training 24/7.
How? Well, I’ll go into that over time.
In the mean time, training.
DE’s resistant and independent spirit will be used to forge her into a powerful submissive and a mighty Domme.
I listen to a lot of podcasts, some of them kinky.
During one of these a scenario played that’s been spun on the turntable many, many times before.
Partner 1 wants Kinky sex. Partner 2 does not.
Partner 1 crosses some lines to get what they want, thus violating trust.
Partner 2 is hurt, but makes excuse after excuse to stay in the relationship even though they admit the foundation is broken and said relationship will never work.
BDSM, Kink, Open, Swing, Poly, Furry, Asexual, etc. relationships take 2(+). They require communication. They require common ground. They require consensus and clear agreement between all parties. Most of all, they require Compromise.
Most of all?
They require the ability to Walk away and Get The Fuck Out!
Stop making excuses.
Just leave…it’s not the hardest thing you will ever do. photo credit: ClevelandSGS
A friend of mine (and fairly new submissive to the scene) contacted me and related a familiar tale of unfair woe.
A casual relationship ends, she lets it be known that she is kinky. Man freaks and begins the abuse, using the kink as a pivot for abuse (did we mention that he’s vanilla?)
A word folks.
We’re not broken. We’re actually fairly normal! We’re just honest with ourselves.
Next time anyone tries to abuse you because you’re in touch with your sexuality? Thank them, smile and walk away…forever.
It has been a week since we embarked on a new level of our relationship and commitment as a D/s couple. We decided on a service collar and it was placed on my right ankle.
