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My new collar shipped today from collarfactory.com.

My first collar from collarfactory.com.

I am excited! The first one I ordered from them was last year and I have been very pleased with the quality. I like being able to choose my leather  colour, hardware and add some personal flare. They also do cuffs and belts.

*de*

I was asked to write about my journey to the place I now reside. I do not think of it as a journey–more like a step in a different direction. This is not a new direction, for I have been owned in the past. I was owned by the United States Navy. There were contracts, negotiations and training. During training, I was told when and how to eat, sleep and dress. I had to ask permission to use the bathroom and to get a tampon during my menses. I was taught how to move, stand, and position myself. I could not look into the eyes of my superiors and was to give them the respect earned with the title. My Training was not without its challenges. I was stubborn and did not buy into the game of breaking down and rebuilding.

In the 90’s, I realized I had some kink tendencies after becoming enthralled at a concert where fetish was abound. Latex, needles, St. Andrew’s Cross and wax over a nipple both disgusted and aroused me. I could not turn away. Yet, nothing was acted upon and just as quickly, forgotten.

It was nearly 10 years later and hands around my neck to jolt back the feeling of kink. During a sexual encounter, I was being held by my throat..breath restricted. My orgasm was strong and I noticeably became wetter. Instead of passing it by, I began to read of bdsm online. I watched porn involving women in submissive roles and longed to be in their place.I researched activities and roles. I sought out “Dom” or Alpha males and danced online. Quickly I realized that anyone can play a role behind the veil of the internet. Most came off with the attitude of ‘i am giving myself this title and you shall submit to me because if it.’ Did not fly and I played very little. I was soured by a certain experience and decided that maybe this was not for me.

Fast forward the path I find myself traveling on. Why I am on this path? Natural submission is foreign. I do not wish to serve or be without my own identity. I prefer to be in control. It is where I am most comfortable. Sometimes being comfortable restricts growth and I believe that is where I am now. To flourish and become involves change and breaking out of old habits. They do die hard and cloud visions of tomorrow.I do this by choice for personal and spiritual development. To capture a part of myself hidden away due to fears. Trust is paramount and one of my weaknesses. I must trust I will be cared for and loved.

I am still stubborn, strong and opinionated.
I will cry, scream and be defiant.

I will beg.
I will test you.

I ask to be loved and desired.
I ask to be pushed and rewarded.

I ask for patience and understanding.

And to you I give my submission.

This is work. This is hard work.

I have a good friend. He has 2 girls. It is becoming routine for he and I to bounce questions, ideas, thoughts and general philosophies off of each other. In short, we’ve become a 2 man support team. He watches me, I watch him. We give each other advice and encouragement. What I’ve learned over the years (and what had held me back) was the simple fact that the D/s, D/g, BDSM relationships were not easy.

They are the most complex relationships I’ve entered into. I wouldn’t call them “difficult” (they’re only as difficult as we make them), but they are challenging. In turn they are endlessly rewarding. They aren’t a “Feast of Sex”. They aren’t a chorus of screams and torture.

I believe they are this (for all parties):

A constant journey of sacrifice, surrender, release, discovery and love.

I am pleased beyond any words I can place on these pages to be sharing this journey with my DE and my girl and all of you.

No. It’s not easy. But it sure as hell isn’t difficult.

Noddy was still in subspace, but was more than happy to give support to Sis and myself.

I laid on my stomach and offered up my canvas. Tutivillus paused and stroked my naked flesh. He whispered in my ear to hold very still.

I groaned..feeling the arousing sting. It was better than I remembered.

The next time was with a group and a planned activity–but aren’t those times just the best?! We were at another couple’s home with a friend and comparing bags of BDSM evil. The Doms were pulling out all the toys, implements of exquisite torture and consequently…knives.

Our friend, Noddy, was on her hands and knees when she felt the blade for the first time. Tutivillus advised her not to move. She let out a moan as he cut her down the spine.

He cut her again–this time across and then wiped her off with Clorox.

Yes..Clorox wipes open the capillaries and allow more blood to flow to the cut (plus there is a nice sting).

Noddy was surprised by her reaction and you could see the cloudiness of sub heaven come over her eyes. She said she “liked it a bit too much “.

To be continued…..

Mindnbody had offered to do my first suspension and it was a good time as any since I was feeling quite adventurous after the electro-play.

This sadistic alpha rigger was patient and instructed me on where I would feel pressure according to weight distribution. My breath compensated for the binding around my breasts.  I was concerned I would feel restricted, but discovered it was very sensual being bound.

He asked if I would like my hands free or trussed up. I chose to have them tied and he gladly did so above my head.

I closed my eyes as I was raised high into the air and it only took moments before I was in sub-space. I became unaware of all my surroundings other than my own body and the touch of my rigger.

I was swung about and hoisted high until I flew like a bird. It was beautiful and exhilarating.

For my first time suspension, it was perfect. I even left with some nice rope marks!

In about an hour…that’s when they arrive. We’ll talk, we’ll have a few drinks, there will be cigarettes, cloves. Eventually 3 subs an observer and I will walk down to the Dungeon. Clothes will be shed, restraints, chains, cuffs will bind them and I’ll get out the camera. DE will switch out from tonight’s sub role and capture some of the moments. I’ll capture some.

Then, likely, it will descend into some sort of dark chaos.

Do not think this is me complaining. This is just me contemplating. I do as much Domination from behind a lens as I do behind a flogger.

DE collared and waiting...

Time to go…there’s work to be done.

AFTERCARE: A period of time after intense BDSM play in which the Dom cares for the sub. Some BDSM activities are physically challenging, psychologically intense, or both. After engaging in such activities, the submissive partner may need a safe psychological space to unwind and recover. Aftercare is the process of providing this safe space.

At a party a few months ago, a well-established Dom made a comment about fetching food and water for a sub after the scene, that it should be the reverse.

I had an experience where the Dom I  was playing with did not afford me the time and care I needed afterward. The Dom walked out of the room, leaving me without saying a word. Instead, he got a drink and started playing his guitar while I put myself back together. This was when I was new into my exploration, which made it worse. I felt awkward, stupid and wanted to curl up and disappear. I quickly got dressed, made small talk and left humiliated (this was not a humiliation game either!). Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I saw him again and the same thing. Needless to say, I did not give it another go.

Tutivillus and I use aftercare to come back down. He gives me reassurance. After certain activities, I can be emotional, as they may bring out fears, past issues etc. Often times I am emotionally whipped and want to lay in his arms, burying my teat-stained face into him.  It helps to have that safe time to talk about where my head was and is. It is also a time to review the activities–what we/I liked, didn’t like, want to go further with.

Back to the comment made by the Dom. My retort to him was to cock my head to the side and ask, “Is that not part of aftercare?”

Call me sassy or just a bitch but I hope that I never am left with those feelings again.

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A few toys

DarlingEvil and I arrived, checked in and moved quickly. We made a few drinks, placed toys, set a radio by the door (a fairly critical component when playing at a hotel, mind you). With everything prepared, we sat, talked strategy, checked-in with each other and chatted about our day.

My phone rang signaling T’s arrival. I led her into the hotel and our room. Her eyes glanced from lamp to table — slightly nervous at the sight of what awaited her.

DE handed her a drink. We talked for a few minutes. She stood.

“Are you ready?” I asked.

“Yes” T replied.

I smiled, reached behind her, slid my hand through her hair and took a handful.

“What?” I asked.

“Yes Sir.”

Undressing T

DE had wanted to observe this scene…document it in pictures. She wanted to watch me Dominate a sub and T was an ideal sub for this type of scene. She had knowledge of protocol, attitude, the ability to take almost anything and Trust.

Despite all this, she admitted later her Flight response nearly kicked in.

I began to undress her — removing her shirt, laying her on the bed and pulling off her pants. I left her exposed in only a tiny thong as DE maneuvered with the camera…flash blazing.

Collaring T

T stood on command when I pulled a small training collar from its resting place. When I tightened it on her neck she made a quiet sigh. I stood, holding her by the hair and posed her for DE and the camera.

T figeted nervously…nude exposure was a weakness to exploit.

“Stand. Do not move” I ordered.

Scratch the flesh

I turned her to face the bed, kneeled behind her…ran my nails down her back, over her ass and inside her thighs. T marks well. The scratches glared and I turned her again and scratched her breasts, her stomach.

She moaned as I stood behind her, pulled her roughly into me.

Warming the submissive

I covered T’s mouth, took a nipple between my fingers and rolled it, pinched then pulled. They were hard. With T, the nipples are an erotic switch. Activate the switch correctly and you wake the machine.

Her body began to soften. Her breath was signaling a readiness for the next stage.

A chair was nearby…I decided it was time to play.

Visit other great Fetish and Kink sites at ABH!

-Tutivillus